Life Lessons From a Future Convict
by touchtheskyx
Summary: [OneShot] A guide to life by the one and only Sirius Black. Love, abstinance, raging murderers, toosters, rule abiding or lack therof, preparedness, bludgers... when do you draw the line at too much information? R&R!


**Life Lessons From a Future Convict**

**Life Lesson Number One: Love is a battlefield, and the chicks always win.**

"You know, you got it pretty good. You get things handed to you like you can't do it yourself, and things like food and clothing are handed to you on a silver platter. Things aren't always that easy though, buddy, and you'd best get familiar with the truth. There are alot of things you need to know, and it's my job to tell you about them.

"The first thing you need to be forwarned about: a little thing called love. It may be only a four letter word, but it can cause you to do a million crazy things you would never do if you were perfectly sane. Trust me, I know a living example of such a person, and you do not want to be caught in that situation, believe me. Unless you like confessing your love in poem on top of a table, or being cursed by five girls at a time... not pretty.

"You also need to watch out for admirers. Being the studly fellow you are, you'll have a fair few female friends, or otherwise, who would love to be a little bit more. Follow your heart, my good man, for it knows love better than any of your other manly organs, if you catch my meaning. You don't? In other words then, let your brain do the thinking, and not your man piece."

**Life Lesson Number One and a Half: Sex is bad, unless you're attractive and well protected.**

"All in all, remember: abstinance is key! At least hold on to the one thing that's yours to give until your 13, and I only say 13 because saying any older would be hipocritical on my part. Keep your clothes on. It's not that hard.. most of the time."

**Life Lesson Number Two: Murderers are bad. They murder people.**

"The next thing: raging murderers. Although their not all their cracked up to be, they can still throw out a mean curse, and if one of those comes at you, you better hope you got someone you can drag infront of you to block it. If you have a choice, make it a greasy git with oily hair and a hooked nose, okay?

"And no, being an evil wizard with a high pitched laugh, loads of money, loads of power and a twisted mind is NOT a good career path to take."

**Life Lesson Number Three: Stick to wizard inventions. They don't need outlets. **

"Next: appliances, as I am told they're called. Stay away from toosters, coffee spouters and other such puglable instruments. They are quite possibly more dangerous than that evil wizards I just warned you about. Toosters are the essence of evil."

**Life Lesson Number Four: Screw rules.**

"The fourth lesson I have to teach you concerns rules. Rules shmules. Rules are made to be broken, it's just the way it is. If you have to break them (and I will be rather disappointed if you don't) then do it in such a way that you will not be caught. Cloaks that render you invisible and pieces of paper that let you spy on your fellows are a must have in a rule-breakers kit. That and a case of firewhisky. Don't look at me like that, what if you get thirsty on one of your escapades? Always be prepared."

**Life Lesson Number Five: Preparedness is key. Being unprepared looks sloppy and careless. And it also cuts down on the amount of time you have to not pay attention in boring situations.**

"Which leads me to your fifth lesson: preparation. For class you need all your basics: a quill, parchment, ink, and a good many items of amusement (ie. fake wands, spitball targets, chicks). The quill, parchment and ink are merely so you look like your listening. Never actually listen. Don't be a prat.

"Dungbombs are a must for surviving school life. Caretaker on your nerves? Fire him a dungbomb and he'll be off your case until he clears off the smell and comes after you. In such a situation, running is more often than not a good idea."

**Life Lesson Number Six: A bludger injury if nothing compared to the ass-whooping you'll get if you hide from it the whole game. **

"Quidditch is a sport where you either play or get played. You're a shoo-in once you get there, you've got just the build for the game. Watch out for bludgers and keep your eye out for the snitch. The same goes for life, watch out for jerks and keep your eye out for what really matters: the good looking little lady who sits in front of you in transfiguration. Remeber: you can't score, catch a ball or fire the thing back if you're running away from it the whole game. Don't be a wimp, that's not cool. Take it from the walking, talking example of cool, yours truly. Hey, don't look at me like that, I'm not that old, I'm still cool. Ya dig? Yo."

**Life Lesson Number Seven: Treasure this advice. People don't give important stuff like this out freely anymore.**

"Got all that little man?" Sirius asked.

Harry gurgled and flailed his little legs at his godfather while Sirius looked proudly at his tiny godson.

There was a loud crack.

"Hey Sirius, you and Harry have a good time?" Lily asked, apparating into her living room with James. They beamed at him.

"We sure did," Sirius said, getting up to leave. "Oh, and by the way Jamesy," he said, pausing on his way out the door. "I don't think the sex talk will be necessary."

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**AN:** I love writing Sirius. He's so much fun. Anyways, this doesn't have a plot or anything but it just popped into my head and I thought it might be fun to write. Hope you liked it. Review for me?


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